Motherhood on the spectrum. What it means to be a psychologist mother with ADHD. While you try to do EVERYTHING right (because you know the scientific studies on attachment, development, risk factors, resilience and mental health only TOO WELL!), you fail daily due to your own overloads, meltdowns and shutdowns. And because it's not enough that patriarchal society is ALWAYS indoctrinating you with the shame of mother failure (WHAT?! She has her child looked after by someone else?! WHAT?! She goes on a business trip?! WHAT?! She bought the cake for the baby bazaar?!?...plz fill with random shit...), there is also this voice inside you that has been with you all your life, telling you that you can't do it like the "real" adults and probably never will... You try to emotionally support your child while you yourself are totally at the limit and constantly trying not to break down, not to freak out and not to run away and give up. You try to establish routines because you know how important they are for the child's development, even though you carry chaos within you and time and plans are just words to you. You try to create structures that provide support even though you yourself are running through life without any stability.
Motherhood in the spectrum.
You are overstimulated, overstimulated and your great need for autonomy is curtailed because you are completely controlled by others. You have too little sleep and far too many feelings to be calm and relaxed and react to misfortunes with anger, impatience and annoyance instead of understanding.
BUT! you can also instantly be a child again and meet your child at eye level; have the same enthusiasm for something as your child and share this with your child. You can be creative, spontaneous and funny and you can use crazy ideas and childlike, fantastic thinking to create adventures. You can do crazy things and show your child that being an adult can also mean staying a child. You are a role model. In all directions. While you yourself are looking for role models. You are a guide while you yourself are lost. At the same time. Always. A lot.